Desert times

This is going to be a thoughtful more serious post, because this has been my mood the last few days. I've come to the realization that I have DEFINITELY come to a desert place. When I mean desert place, i mean a desert place of the soul. I heard various teaching on this- a really good one by Kevin Gerald, an awesome pastor in Spokane, Washington. Basically different metaphors to describe spiritual conditions of our heart and soul.
I'm amazed how fast you can go from being in a place of blessing and harvest - a place of being "fat" spiritually, to a place of fire and refinement. I knew it was coming. I always know it's going to eventually come. I've been aware of my various life cycles, that I'm not oblivious to them anymore. This is basically how it goes, I get teaching from God on a certain subject, I internalize it, and then I'm tested by outside elements to see how I fair. If I've learned the lesson that I"m supposed to learn, all is good. I just move onto the next lesson. If not it's a big circle, and I have to learn it all again.
I'm sad because the lessons that I had learned while in the refinement and harvest period, thought I had so strong within me were not as strong as I thought they were. I truly thought I was strong enough...but now I'm remembering once again it's really my ability to rest and trust in God. It's very humbling to be confronted with your own sin, and short comings. I almost made some really devastating decisions, because I didn't realize where I was at spiritually. One HUGE tip that Kevin Gerald says is not to make any life changing decisions while in a desert place. Last year I was in a desert place, and almost quit the music team. I'm so glad that I didn't. Because about a couple weeks after that I started writing songs, and that totally lifted me out of that desert place.

I know and felt that I haven't been on top of my game. The gifts of the spirit having been flowing like they have in the past. I've been giving wrong spiritual advice to people who confide in me at church. So I stopped doing that, because really any wisdom that I have is from God and Holy Spirit. When He's gone, and I can feel that the Holy Spirit is distant for now, that my natural mind can give some good advice, but not the kind that would touch someone's life and bring lifelong change. I don't want someone to try out my suggestions, because they see me as a leader and then find that was not to what God would have them to do.
I was seriously thinking of making some life altering decisions in my "drunken" state, and came so close to following through. And my eyes were opened, and it always seems that they are opened at church. My pastor always seems to have to the right message for wherever I am at. Things that I've been thinking about, contemplating...it always seems that my big decisions were made at church.
It's going to be a long road back to where I was, but it's worth it. My life is so shallow and meaningless without God. As you can tell by my posts, it's been all about physical beauty and my insecurities. Basically it's been all about me..my pride, me as the center of my universe. In truth the world does NOT revolve around me - as much I would like it to.

"One day spent in your house, this beautiful place of worship, beats thousands spent on Greek island beaches. I'd rather scrub floors in the house of my God than be honored as a guest in the palace of sin. All sunshine and sovereign is God, generous in gifts and glory. He doesn't scrimp with his traveling companions. It's smooth sailing all the way with God-of-the-Angel-Armies." Ps. 84:10