Monday, December 07, 2009

Day 3, 4 & 5....6 and 7

Well, It looks like I got too carried away with birthday week to remember to post the rest of my activities. Oh well, not too much to report. I went out for lunch with my friend Teresa on Wednesday. It was so nice to actually spend some time with her. We're both so busy with our lives, but I find that if I tell her that I miss her and that we need to get together, she's the one friend who will stop everything in her incredibly insane crazy life and take time for me. I do feel honored, because she has routines...hardcore, and to mess those up, you must be pretty special.

I've actually been working on my own routines. I started doing Flylady again. For all who don't know who Flylady is-who is probably most of you- an online life coach/ motivator. She helps women who are overwhelmed and help them to slowly build routines and help them feel good about their homes again. I don't know what it is, but my life has been so chaotic since I had Ally. Everything was so perfect and in order. I used to make homemade birthday cakes and cards, make and send out christmas cards - ON TIME the last week of November with a newsletter and a family photo. I'm lucky if I even send christmas cards now. I don't what it is, but life has been different for 7 years now. Poor kids all they know is chaos because they don't remember me when I was a mini Martha Stewart.

So far I'm on day 9 of my babysteps. I was really proud of myself for keeping my sink shiny for 8 days in a row - until..... I didn't realize it before, but I have this cycle where life is good and then something happens and I carry everything and it paralyzes me. I can't do anything. It renders me immobile. That's me this morning. It's taking me everything within me go get off this couch and get dressed to do my morning routine. There is so much going on lately with brian's work, the girls at school (which seems never ending) that I just want to hide. So I have this battle going on inside of me, my body says to curl up in a ball and sleep it off but my spirit says that if I stop everything that I been working on the last 8 days will go down the drain, and it will be 100 times harder to get started.

When things got this bad, I would find unhealthy ways to relieve the pressure with food, unhealthy relationships...thank God I've dealt with those. Foods not an issue anymore, and relationships well, I recognized the ones that are getting between Brian and I and cut them off. Brian has seen my cry lots over the last couple days and it sucks. He offered to take me out for lunch today :)

So...I guess I'm going to set my timer for 15 minutes and get ready for the day and start my routine, before the morning is over. Go see my hubby and get some laundry done. Today is my day off. Maybe I'll do some baking when I get my morning routine out of the way. I'm feeling better just thinking about it. Writing truly is therapy for the soul. sigh.

Tuesday, November 24, 2009

Day Two: Vampires, Werewolves and Gingerbread Cake

Day two went by way too fast. I didn't have a chance to check out my emails till now. I woke up at 4:45...then at 5:10, then again at 5:15...and then finally forced myself up at 5:25 with only twenty minutes to get ready. There was only 3 people working this morning, but we did the work 8. It was incredible. Carmen the janitor bought me Starbucks, because she heard it was my birthday tomorrow! It came at a perfect time, because I was running out of steam. I felt so special :)

I was off work at 1:00 and cuddled on the couch with brian for half an hour then went straight to bed. I was supposed to go to a parent teacher meeting at 3:00, but brian let me sleep through and He went to it. Which is so wonderful of him. I hate them. Seriously, I grow up loving my children thinking they are perfect then it takes one teacher who hates their job trying to tell me otherwise. I can't take and I have 3 to go to every report card. Why can't they be positive? It's always so negative. So Brian was in this teacher's face, and asked lots of questions. He should go to them more often.

When I woke up it was almost time to go out for dinner with brian. He took me to Earl's - a place that I absolutely love. Because they actually take the time to create good food, instead of letting fat be the main ingredient. For dessert we had gingerbread cake with caramel drizzling, vanilla gelato and poached apples. I wasn't expecting a present, and was truly content just spending the night alone with him, but Brian pulled out a Pandora gift box. It turns out that he picked up a Pandora silver bracelet for my mom and he bought a silver rose bead to go on it! It was a great suprise.

I didn't have any cravings for anything after my meal. We were walking past all the concessions at the movie theater and for once I didn't want any of it. We watched New Moon - brian hated it. Turns out that all the men in our theatre hated it. I heard them as I walked by, "Man, that was stooopid." "Ya, that was the stooopidest movie ever". See? Brian you weren't alone. Now I'm off to bed to go cuddle with my hubby somemore :) Day two rocked!

Monday, November 23, 2009

Day One: Crankpots and Strep throat...oh my!

I had my first test on what I learned in church on people pleasing yesterday. Actually right after I finished writing my entry from yesterday! A manager from Old Navy phoned and asked if I wanted to come in early today because they thought they were going to get a big shipment. I really didn't want to, because we had to do grocery shopping and I had to catch up on laundry. It was funny because the manager said...I'm telling you all this and don't want you to feel pressured. (ummm...that's kind of what you're doing). I kind of had a mini- breakthrough. I didn't say that i would go in at 6, but i said I would go in at 9:00 after the girls went to school. But I really didn't want to even do that! I should have said no. I don't know why I said I would do it. The words just came out so fast! I was thinking no, and my mouth said yes!! CRAZY!! Anyways....She ended up phoning me at quarter after six this morning letting me know that they didn't get as big as a shipment as they thought they would. I have to say I was very relieved, but not happy to be woken up so early.

I had so many hopes for the day. I was hoping to get my nails done, but Haley woke up sick again with a sore throat. She asked me to buy her another package of throat lozenges, but i thought it was probably time to take her to the doctors. She's had a sore throat for quite awhile and it wasn't going away. I thought it might be strep, so I phoned the doctor first thing in the morning. We ended up spending 2 hours in Walmart while waiting for our perscription! They were very busy. So Haley and I looked at makeup, and toys. And then we were almost out of the store, she was starting to feel nausous from the hot chocolate I bought her from Tim Hortons. Bad idea.

So Haley stayed at home and rested up while brian and I went grocery shopping at Costco. When we came home, Brian and Haley went to the mall. Haley went to buy me a present, and Brian went to get his haircut. The whole day seemed to go buy so fast. But the best part was getting some time with Haley one on one. She would never say it, but she appreciates having me to herself. She talks my ear off!

Well, no one came to Crankpots. Alot of people said maybe, but it was probably for the better. I thought Haley would really like it, so I invited her to come. She was so excited to be in Old Strathcona. She loved the old buildings and the christmas lights. It was fun to be able to show it to her. I painted a mug and a penguin ornament. And haley painted a cute bunny figurine and a gingerbread ornament. It will be nice to see how they turn out. When you paint with pottery paint, your never quite sure how it's going to come out, because the paint comes out of the bottle way lighter. I want to do it again, and make sure that I take someone with me. :)

Sunday, November 22, 2009

Birthday Week

It's that time again. Birthday week. I love the whole idea, because one day never seemed long enough to me. So when my pastor said that she was having a birthday week, I thought, "What a GREAT idea! Genius!" I can't tell you how excited I was! Everyday she would do something that special and that she absolutely loved to do. Something spectacular that you couldn't do everyday, because then it wouldn't be special anymore.

So my goal for birthday week this year is to connect with as much people as I can possible. So many times I say no, or even entertain the thought of asking someone out for coffee for the fear of rejection. Which by the way was in Pastor Dennis' s sermon on sunday - People pleasing and I'm definitely one of them. Though, I do have to say that I'm not as bad as I used to be, but I still have a ways to go. So I just jumped right in and made an event on facebook inviting people to come to crankpots. I kinda worded it like I'm going to be there and if you want to come you can, but if you don't that's ok, because I'm going anyways. I'm used to doing things alone...haha. Isn't that depressing? I don't need to answer.

One other goal for this week is to get my nails done. Like gel nails. I love them, and I usually don't get mine done because 1) they're expensive 2) I had a REALLY bad experience at this asian place....really bad 3) my nails and hair grow so fast, that for the amount of money that I spend it would be nice for it to last a while. So why am I doing this? They ARE very good reasons. Well, I found out a girl at church does nails from her home and they are REALLY nice and fancy., AND they are resonable! So I thought if there's a time that I should have nice nails it should be definitely be birthday week.

I also think I'm going to go on dates with everyone in my family alone. Brian is on tuesday, and the girls will be on Monday, thursday and friday. I think I'm going to take Emily to the Creamery. An Ice cream place here in town that has gourmet ice cream and you can add things in like fresh fruit, nuts, candy (!! gummi bears!). She's been bugging me about it for awhile. Ally always seems to be with me when I get my craving for it. Haley, I think we'll go shopping (or maybe if she's feeling well, I'll bring her to Crankpots with me). Ally, hmmmm....I don't know yet. I have to think about that.

I still don't have the whole week planned - that's ALOT of space to fill with stuff for just me, but I'm sure I can do it. I also have two WHOLE days off this week - weird. I'm sure photography will definitely be involved. I've been doing so much for everyone else, I think I'm going to take a week to just focus on me - spiritually AND mentally. cheers xoxo

Friday, October 23, 2009

I'm so tired...exhausted really. My mom and dad for years have said that they think that i have something wrong with me. But this week i think it is because i have been working 6am - 12 everyday. First day I was ok...rested. kind of. didn't really have a break. Emily was in a race on the weekend. She placed 56 out of 250 grade 4 girls! So that was our Saturday morning, and then Sunday, it was kind of a break because i wasn't on my usual (as of lately) Sunday morning comitment on the worship team. So basically, instead of helping in one ministry for two services, my break was helping for one and getting there at 9 instead of 8am. (crazy..i know). So already starting this week i was tired. Also my house was not the oasis that I would like it to be. We have been doing our floors. They look inCREDIBLE..really. when people see them they swear that they are hardwood, and then we tell them that it is really laminate. So on Wednesday, brian took me out for lunch (which was so nice of him) and then I went to sleep for a couple hours and he decided to bring out the compressor and start working on be baseboards!! It was so hard to relax and actually sleep. I can sleep through almost anything, but this was torture!
So today...5 days in a row ( my mother in law had to add that she just finished 7 day of working and she's older than me and doesn't know why i'm so tired) I was doing pretty good, but then when i came home I slept and it didn't seem like enough.

Then I was watching Dr. Oz today and one of the topics was chronic fatigue. It would be one of 3 things: anemia (low white blood cells) cure: eat more red meat which is high in iron and helps your body create white blood cells, Hypothyrodism: where your thyroid isn't producing enough hormones. Cure: drugs (synthetic hormones...yuck) and third is Diet. So I'm going to start with my diet and see if I see any changes, and also start to eat more red meat and spinach (which are things that i've been craving anyway.) I'll keep you posted.

Thursday, August 13, 2009

Haley -

My girl turned 11 yesterday. It was actually quite funny how I used to place so much importance on my birthday, and how I seem to forget everyone else's. In my defense - I don't forget completely. I remember before, but when the day actually comes, I forget.

Growing up my mom and dad would and still make me feel so special on my birthday. I get a beautiful card - usually with sparkles and bows, and the most inspirational words. Telling me what a great mom I am, how proud they are to my parents - the kind of things that you want to hear from a parent and they mean it. Amazing...I'm so blessed. (I really should keep the cards. they would be a great pick-me up on a sad day. But I'm trying to cut down on clutter. As you can tell that by writing, not only is my mind cluttered, but so is my house.) There was always a special dinner. I got to choose. A family birthday with grandparents and aunts and uncles. When I moved they would come to visit. Well, with a new granddaughter...who could stay away?! the visits were every 3 months. She was the first - so tiny and little. Did you know that she slept in my doll cradle for up until she was 3 weeks. Why? well it was small and she was small and it fit right beside my bed just perfect. So I didn't have to get out of bed for feedings.

I remember almost everything about that first year. I think because everything was so new.
New baby,
new husband,
new city,
new apartment,
new car,
learning to drive new car (it was a standard),
new church,
new worship team,
first time being a worship leader (that was HUGE for me).

It was really hard the first 6 months getting used to being alone. I was used to constantly having family around me. My mom or sister were always popping in unannounced. It was great.
But, one night in our apartment building, I heard a couple fighting down the hall, and I heard the girl cry," I'm here all the time and there's nobody! You have no idea what I'm going through!" I did. Boy, did I ever. I should have introduced myself...that would have been awkward knocking on a stranger's door saying that you heard that they were lonely, and that you're lonely too. I didn't know what she looked like. What if I knocked on the wrong door? there were a lot of doors to knock on. wouldn't have been a first, that's for sure. hee hee. (Another story for another time)

But Haley was the best part of that year. She was so entertaining. I didn't at all feel weird having conversations with her - even if she didn't understand them. She was always willing to laugh at my jokes. I had so many cute baby clothes that she was like a little dolly - I'd dress her up even if we weren't going anywhere special. We watched teletubbies together, I'd watch her roll all over the floor of our one bedroom apartment. Boy, I watched the best sunsets from that apartment. Second floor, westward facing- we were just above all the houses. Perfect view.

I was very to-the-book about everything. Her pediatrician was very patient with me. (Especially with me having Biology 201 fresh in my head!!) She got her vaccinations on time. Brian came with me to hold her because I hated hearing her cry. She was never late for her checkups. And I kept track of her poops...her pees...when was the last time that I changed her bed, she lived on gripe water.

It's crazy now to think that she's going into grade 6, getting her own circle of friends. Knows pretty much what all the swear words are (except for the exotic ones because not even I know them!!) and to an extent what they mean. She's not interested in boys, but if she is, she's not telling me. She LOOOOVES Hannah Montana. She would like to one day be a fashion designer. She has two best friends - Jennifer and Alysha. And she will tell you while counting passionately on her fingers,

"we went to kindergarten together and we were friends for grade1grade2grade3grade4grade5 annnnnd were going into grade 6 and next year we're going to go to Junior High together. And we're best friends and tell each other EVERYTHING!"

She has a good heart, and loves Jesus. Loves to help out in church in the nursery or any place that needs help. She's really good with her nephews. They love her so much. She is crazy good at spelling - doesn't need to study and gets 100% 9 out of 10 times.

But I forgot that special day, I remembered around 3:30 pm...she even forgot it. Nobody phoned till after supper to wish her a happy birthday. It was weird...and so unlike my former self who would have had it planned to a tea what we would be doing, what we would be eating. And would have made sure that when she woke up that she KNEW it was her birthday. I guess that's what having 3 kids, plus a hubby does to you.

But we did go to Chuck E. Cheese today for "family birthday". And next week we're going to have her party - with her first sleepover with Jennifer and Alysha. So all is not lost, and she knows I still love her. xoxo

Tuesday, August 11, 2009

Reflections on Parenthood so far.

Today I babysat for Rachelle today. She took Erika to the eye doctor - haley tagged along, and I watched the twins, Kayleigh and Gillian. So I had 6 kids in my custody. It really wasn't that bad. When I told brian this morning, he said, "do you think you can handle it?" I told him how hard could it be? I'm already out numbered with my three, what's the difference of putting another 3 in the mix. I do miss the baby phase. I don't mind the diapers...and if they're cranky just put them to bed. They can't talk back, or have attitudes (well, nothing compared to a 'tweenager) Sadly, they all have to grow up. I hope I don't mess this up. I'm always constantly in the back of my mind wondering if I'm doing the right thing, if I'm doing enough. I noticed that when Brian and I play baseball, he is so focused. His mind is on the game. Mine is too, until I hear one of the girls cheer, or make a sound. Are they hurt? Where are they? What are they doing? Who are they talking to? Weird. I wish I could shut it off sometimes - this worry. it's overwhelming sometimes. That's why I'm not looking forward to school starting again. Three teachers who read too much telling me their "diagnosis" for my daughters, and how I should raise them. Makes me seriously want to homeschool them sometimes. But we all know how long that would last! Not very long.
So in conclusion,I am enjoying each stage of parenthood. Each has it's challenges, and I know it's going to be for life. My mom always tried to get us(me in particular) out of the house so fast maybe thinking that her duties would end or get any easier. Nope. They don't, they just shift a little and evolve into something new and different.

Monday, July 20, 2009

Simcoe Park...

We had the opportunity to travel to Southern Ontario. I have to admit, half of it was to see family, half of it was just to get out of Western Canada. I lived in Ontario for 2 years, and in those years I travelled so much of the country side. Almost every week I was on some sort of roadtrip helping new churches - most of them graduates of the Bible School I was attending. I loved it, but I truly didn't have control of where we went, because I was at the mercy of other people. I didn't have a car, and my mom wouldn't let me borrow hers - which was probably a good idea, driving in Ontario is much different than driving in Prince George. So every time I go to visit, I try to get off by myself and do the exploring that I always wanted to do.

My brother and his wife are living there now and I was really looking forward to seeing them and the boys. Noah is 4.5 and Thomas is yummy and 2. They are so wonderful- I love them SOOO much! I haven't seen them for about a year and a half. They moved just before we were coming to visit last it's been a while.

One night Rachael and I (chad's wife) decided to have a picnic and take the kids to Simcoe Park in Niagara -on-the-Lake. Niagara-on-the-Lake is so charming and full of character. It's amazing though how busy it is in the summer. It reminds me of Jasper how this tiny town literally gets flooded with tourists. But if you could see the homes and the gardens you would see why. The park was fun. We had fried chicken and salad. The kids splashed in the fountain and put on a show for us in the band stand.

Later Rachael drove me around NOTL, because I told her I never got to explore this place- only drove on the main drag. We drove around and admired all the houses and even some mansions. We drove by where she worked - the Harbour House Hotel. The then took me to this park that looks over Lake Ontario-It was breathtaking! I was so excited that I was shaking with delight! How can I capture this?! I tried, but pictures could in NO WAY do them justice. As I was changing lenses from a wide angle to a zoom, i was fumbling. It was funny how overwhelmed I was!

I went to bed that night with a huge smile on my face, not only did I get to capture some the of the beauty of this place, I also to spend time with my nephews. I got so many hugs, and Thomas even said that he would hide in my suitcase and come home with me! You can't beat that.

Tuesday, June 16, 2009

what I've been up to lately....

Lately my life has been two, or recouperate from work. But, the fruits of my labour are to be seen! I have designed a website, and business cards (which are at the printers as we speak) and I have learned how to process Camera Raw! I was quite confident in my photography skills, till my friend teresa gave me some constructive criticism. She is a nurse, but her photography helped to put them through. She mainly does wedding photography. It was a little hard to hear it, mainly because it's from a friend, but I do want to get better- in fact I want to be the best. So I should land somewhere in the middle. Anyways, my ego is bruised a little, mainly because all I have been hearing is only good things - even from my photography friends. She gave me some compliments also, but for some reason all I can think about what wasn't good. oh well. I know she loves me.

Sunday I needed to get out of the house. It's been really depressing here, because truth be told, it pigsty! Full blown...mess. So I took the girls to Rundle park. I heard from someone that they had done a revamp and totally redid the playground, and they have man-made pond that the kids can swim in- it's actually a GREAT big mud puddle. I forgot about the mud puddle part, and the girls were in their play clothes, but I let them go in clothes and all. It was so hot. We later went for a walk by the river on the bike path. It got to be exciting for me when we found a narrow trail off the big path. Haley was NOT excited- she totally has her dad's sense of adventure. Emily on the other had was so happy- she was leading the pack and holding branches for everyone. She said that she wants to go there again.

I'm looking forward to this weekend. I will be busy taking pictures all weekend. On Saturday, I'm shooting a family that brian plays baseball with. We are going to the park, and the Legislature Buildings. ANd then on Sunday, I'm taking pictures for the photography team. We are having our annual Father's Day show and shine. So I'll take a few pictures there, and then at night for the third service I'm exclusively covering the dirt bike races. I'm very excited! Not only am I going to taking pictures of the third service band, they are trusting me to cover a whole event! I hope I do good.

I got the first unit of my photography course in the mail today. I'm very excited. It looks like I won't have too much trouble with this unit - it basically covers composition. I feel pretty confident with that. And also a booklet on places that you can sell your photography! I'm VERY excited about that, but intimidated also. I was looking forward to seeing what my first photo assignment would be, but they sent me wrong one! They sent me unit four, instead of one!

Well, I hope this doesn't seem like "verbal diarreha" as my dad would say.

Tuesday, June 09, 2009


I'm finding it really hard to wait for my website to be ready. I am getting one through Dynamod (a company in the uk). I found out about them from a friend, Melody Lovejoy who is a singer, and I absolutely loved her website. I actually talked to her about it on Mother's Day, and it's funny how fast I actually needed that information! Anyways, on Dynamod, they show featured websites or portals, if you will. My favorite one is by this photographer named Eric Younkins. Not only did I like the layout, but his photography was amazing! Then Brian noticed something on the side - He's a graduate from NYIP! That's where I'm going! I was very excited after reading that, and I hope that when I'm finished that I will half as good as he is. So anyways..that's what my website will look like, but insert my pictures. Just have to wait for Dynamod to get back to me so we can work out some kinks...ugh.

Monday, June 08, 2009

I am one step closer to having my own website - my very own! This is kind of like my own, but it doesn't have my own name. I'm going to have my very own name! I was hoping to have .com, but it was taken by some girl named linda gillings...grrr. I'm thankful though, because .ca seems more patriotic (which I an extent). Last night I designed some pretty business cards. If you look on my other blog ( you'll see the design I used. I actually made the banner for my blog first, and when I started doing the cards, I thought why not use the design that I just made?! It brightened up my blog a whole lot. It was just rosy-browns (which I love!), but too much starts to look dismal. Brian gave his seal of approval, and even went as far as to say that he thinks they are better than any of my friends who are photographers. ha ha. Well, I wouldn't go THAT far, but yes. I really like them.

His enthusiastic support is very refreshing at times, sometimes not. I have to laugh, because you have to take the good with the bad(which really isn't all that bad). He said that he's thinking of taking the course with me, and quite often he'll sit beside me when I'm editing. He'll give me feedback, whether I want it of not. For instance, last night he didn't like the new banner I made for my blog. He said he liked the old one. That's ok..I wasn't changing it. But then this morning while were walking through Walmart, he's says..."We should get you table at a wedding fair, and you'll book up so fast. You can hand out your business cards. I can tell you for sure that no one will have any close to as nice as the ones you designed last night!" I guess...if this is what a supportive husband looks like, I'll take it. He's just not allowed to have an opinion...but then how boring would that be! I probably wouldn't get honest feedback and how helpful would that be!

Today, I have the day off. I think I'll watch a movie...I watched Anne of Green Gables on Youtube!! Yay. It was nice :) Plus, I got lots of laundry done in the process. I also found the notebook, and Across the Universe (which I Totally LOVE the's the only thing I listen to now when I'm editing). I'll probably have to do some housework too. It's funny when your "work" is more like play. I also think I'll make some time to play Guitar Hero, and Mario Kart, and maybe play Lotso on Covering all the basics. haha. But it's noon, and half the day is already over, so I better get a move on. Priorities!

Thursday, May 28, 2009

Learning to rest....

I really had to focus on resting yesterday,because on Tuesday I did a photoshoot with Rachelle and her twins. I can't remember if I already wrote about this, but I'm going to write again. I have been going steady for a week. I work on the photo biz after work, on my days off. On Sunday, I was going all day-literally, with half hour breaks in between. No joke! woke up at 6:30, was at worship practice for 8, sang for two services in which I sang a KILLER solo (yay me) for one song, that ended at 1:30, we were expecting kids to come at 2:00 for emily's birthday party (she turned 9!!), then we all went to the movie theater at 2:20, because we were watching Night at the Museum 2 (very funny...even better to watch a row full of girls giggle!), then came home and had cake and opened presents. Parents came to pick up kids at 6:00, and at 6:30 I had to go to work because they were having a storewide meeting. I'm not allowed to comment on it, but all I have to say is it wasn't fun. grrrr. It was done at 9:30pm and finally made it in the door at around 10:00!! I had to work at 6 the next day. I was suprised that I wasn't too tired in the morning. But Tuesday morning I went to Rachelle's first thing in the morning to take pics for her. The babies were finished eating breakfast a little early that morning, so when I got there, they were tired and ready for a nap! So I had to pull out the big guns, and get really creative. It wasn't easy, but I was able to get a few good shots of them. I've started to edit them and I'm really happy that they are turning out. There wasn't too much natural light, but I'm a Natural light photographer! What do you do when there's no natural light? Well...thank god for Camera Raw and photoshop! Here's a sample of what I've edited so far yesterday...looking at them now I feel like I have to edit them somemore...grrrr. I was good until about 11:30 and then I started to crash. Got home and couldn't keep my eyes open. fell asleep with my hand on my chin while browsing Facebook and woke up just in time to pick up Ally from school!!! Now that's bad and very scary. Poor teacher, he had to see me with my just woke up look face on...again, not very pretty. So yesterday, like I said I had to focus all my energy on not looking at facebook (because that's work now because of my online group) and not pick up a photography or photoshop book. It was SOOO hard! I made myself watch a movie, and a couple times caught myself trying to get on facebook...tsk tsk. I ended up starting on a poster at around 10:00 that night, and didn't finish till 4:00!!! I can't believe I did that! SO crazy! Sso needless to say, I'm starting to crash, the coffee is starting to lose it's power. I really need to learn to rest.

Wednesday, May 27, 2009


I have to say that things are not going as fast as I would like them. I have this vision of where I want to be, and a huge list of things to do to get started. I was very overwhelmed about a week ago, and then I had this thought

Every seed you sow will bear fruit

I pondered on that for a bit, and thought there is so many things that I could apply to. Parenting, relationships...the seeds that I sow will bear fruit - no matter how small. It has encouraged me to keep going. Like I say, I many times want to give up as a parent - especially at bedtime (i hate bedtime sometimes...grrrr.) I guess, I just want to encourage you that if there is something in your life that seems impossible, remember that even the little things we do - simple prayer, time spent together, a hug, a kiss, is a seed that is planted and that in time will bear fruit. Just give it time.

Saturday, May 23, 2009


I did my second photoshoot on Wednesday. It's funny, it seems like all my good friends either are photographers or are seriously interested in photography. Well, right now I'm taking pictures of as many people as I can. My friend Stacey and I went out on wednesday to scout out locations and to practice some shots. Tuesday night I was sketching some shots, and one of them was a subway shot. I imagined the model standing perfectly still, while the subway car is a blur in the background. Well, we did that! I was so excited when we caught it! I was on such a high after that!

I want to find some really cool graffiti walls in edmonton, and find some people with really cool tatoos and piercings. Today I bought a new lens. Brian bought me one for Mother's day, but it just wasn't doing it for me. I took so many pics and they kept coming out blurry. I used this lens with Stacey and I only got a couple mediocore shots..nothing wow. I was so embarrased to post the pictures from the photoshoot with stacey because of that. So I exchanged it, and was able to get a much better one...the only thing is that it was more than double what I paid for the first one. I didn't think about it too much when I was at the photoshop..I just wanted to get that problem fixed. But when I left the store, it slowly started to register....what am I doing?!! I've been so good about not putting stuff on my credit card, and then I pull a stunt like this!!! what is brian going to think?! He's going to be so mad! But we stopped at a skateboard park behind the rec center on 23rd Ave, and took some pics of the girls. I fit it on my camera...and the first time I held it..I thought, "wow this is so much heavier...what have I done?!" I got ally to pose for me on the field...I took one shot and magic! Amazing!

I feel so much better now. I think it was totally worth it! Hopefully it will get me some clients and get this business off the ground. I have a baby shoot on tuesday. (Tomorrow..I wrote this on Saturday) The twins have turned 6 months so I'm going to take some outdoor shots of them - weather permitting and almost all the people on the morning shift have said that they will be my models. Isn't that amazing?! So I have to follow up with them and schedule a time. It's so exciting. Even if I don't get this thing off the ground, I'm seriously having the time of my life.

the rest of the photos are on facebook. If you want to see them, then you have to be my friend...if you're not, then you should be :)

Monday, May 18, 2009

Taking risks....

It's so funny, that 9 times out of 10, when I go to church on a sunday morning, that the message will be about something that I am either going through, or that God is trying to teach me. Since I've stepped out to start my photography business, I've been so blessed. Not only have people been so encouraging, everywhere I turn God is guiding my steps and sending people into my life. I have this nervous excitment, it's crazy, and that was what the message was about yesterday. Live like your dying. If your not taking risks, then your not living. And that Jesus, not only knew when and how he was going to die, he knew the people he was with would desert him. So He literally lived like He was dying and the people around him were dying too - spiritually.

The message totally confirmed that I'm not doing the wrong thing, stepping out. I have to keep telling myself that I'm not taking a stupid risk. I do have the talent, everything is in me to do this. Of course I have lots to learn, but I have the ability to really make this work, and I have the motivation to see it through. I don't know why we're so scared of success, believing that we can do it and fulfill our dreams. It's easier to believe that we can't, and that we're not enough.

Friday, May 15, 2009

Have you ever....

Hey everyone.
I'm truly excited about my decision to pursue photography. The thought of doing jewelry or art (though I really like it), really didn't do it for me. When I think of photography, and taking pictures I get truly excited, and get butterflies. It's CRAZY! If I could bottle it up..I would! I'm toying with names. I was thinking of LG photography, and having my watermark be a my initials in the corner in a cute script. I also LOVE butterflies, bees, flowers, birds. From what I'm reading on my groups on Flickr, you don't want to have your name too "cutesy". But I thought about .....

a) Birds and Bees Photograhy - and use a modern silhouette of a bird and a bee for my logo.

b) Metamophosis Photography - with a butterfly (again, black silhouette...i have something definite in mind..I'm very picky).

I love this clip art...but not sure if I can use it for something.

So this is the link to my ad that I put on kijiji...let me know what you think. I'm thinking of opening another Flickr acount just for my business stuff. So people can look at it, and probably a separate blog. But...that's probably not for awhile, but depending on my responses, it might be closer than I think. ;)

Wednesday, May 13, 2009

1...2...3...hold breath...close eyes...jump.

Wow! My past few weeks have been a blur. I really try to keep my life low key, but slowly one by one things got added, and then before I realized, I was almost in over my head. I got through..barely if it wasn't for good friends at the right time. It consisted of taking LOTS of photos, makes lots of jewelry, a few lows (sorry brian!), Lots of highs, and a black eye! Where should I start. I've really been meaning to write, and I actually did. I saved a draft, but the next day, there was so much more to add, and it didn't seem that exciting anymore compared the NEW stuff I had to write.

K...well first of all I'll tell you about last weekend. Thursday, I was invited to join the photography team at church! So my first assignment was to help cover the Women's Day (which took place on the Saturday) that we had at our church. I said no problem, because I was going to be there anyway selling my jewelry (I'll talk about that in a sec). And they said that if I could only do it part time that would be ok. So I said great! But what I hadn't thought about was my jewelry, what if THAT doesn't go as smoothly as I would like it? Well, it didn't. Half of my beads didn't show up, and they were basically my favorite ones (cherry quartz and fluorite whaaaa) So Friday night I had a meltdown. Mentally I didn't finish planning what I would do if my beads wouldn't come in. Of course they would come in! I realized all the stuff that I had to do that hadn't been done - ya, brian took the brunt of it, and helped me get through. I stayed up till 2 am that night finishing the last of my bracelets, and pricing. I was so tired that I could hardly string the was quite funny..but not really. Woke up early the next day.

here's a sample of the pics I took from the Woman's Day event....

I ended up only selling a few bracelets, and I was suprised that my dollar store beads kept getting picked up, but my semi-precious ones weren't. oh well. On Sunday, I got to preform a song that I wrote. It was so neat, but very awkward to lead the band. I've only been a band member, and that's how I've always seen myself. So to switch roles, it was different. I need to work on my communication. Though, it is harder to convey an idea that has never been done before. When we do a new song on the worship team, it's been sung before, and it's a complete sound. so we just copy that. But to try and get them to be creative,and CREATE a new sound - when there is just one instrument to reference from, that's a different story.
I did REALLY good the first service. I totally nailed it - except for I forgot the first line to the second verse so I sang.."runny nose dirty toes.....runny nose, dirty toes" how gross is that?
I nailed the build and the bridge...(sigh) it was awesome.

My friend Sarah is the charge of mulitmedia team. So, I asked if there was a way she could get someone to videotape my performance. She was able to find someone for the second service. But what I didn't realize was the soundman messed with the levels on the soundboard, and he turned me down, because someone said that I was too loud. So for my second performance, I didn't realize I was oversinging, and when it came to the build and instrumental - I did the most HORRIBLE skreech/dying animal wail. I tried desperately to recover, but it didn't happen. When I get the video back from sarah, I'll put it up so you all can see. I'm sure it's not that bad...but to me it makes my ears bleed. horrible. too bad they didn't record my first performance! oh well.

Last night, brian made me take the plunge and advertise my photography skills on kijiji. I don't know why I'm so apprehensive. I think because, i'm scared of not being able to deliver a quality product. I feel like I really don't know that much, but when I compare my photos to people who have been doing this for awhile...i think why not? So I just took the plunge and did it. This morning, I got my first phone call! Unfortunately, she was looking to do boudoir, and didn't want to take pics at her house. I really don't have the place to do that. So we'll see. I'm scared and excited at the same time. 1 2 3...hold breath...close eyes...jump.

Thursday, April 23, 2009

things are looking up

Would you know that the sun came out at around 7pm and THAT's when I got all my energy. I tidied the frontroom, and half the kitchen. Crazy!, I have a plan. I went to bed at a good time, so I woke up at a decent time. I had breakfast with the girls, and put the radio on right after they left for school. They get nothing done, if it is. And I did my hair, put on some make-up, and to top it off, I pulled out the big guns. I put on my perfume that I wore the whole week I was in Mexico. Just smelling it brings back happy memories, and puts me in a good mood. It's CKn2U. I love it. I brought a whole bunch of perfume samples with us on our trip, but that is the one that I kept coming back to and wearing almost everyday.

I was hoping that it was going to be sunny, because it was when I woke up. But the sun hid behind the clouds again. I was thinking about going downtown to do some photography. Maybe I still might. The light is perfect for black and white photos- but it's so cold! I had to put a sweater on....whaaaa. I really need to move to a different climate. Brian always jokes about applying for a job in Australia when they open up there. Wouldn't that be so cool? kinda...i would never see my family. oh well. (just joking...)

I'm looking forward to Saturday, because I'm going over to Rachelle's house to take more pictures for her. I'm bringing the girls this time. They are going to have so much fun playing, and I'm going to get my baby fix. Yay. :)

Wednesday, April 22, 2009

cloudy days...

I'm wondering if I have seasonal affective disorder. Today, I looked out the window, and it was cloudy, almost looked like it was going to rain. I was thinking about it, I wonder if being in Mexico with the super saturated sunshine had to do with my super happy mood. hhhmmmm....I told brian that I can't remember being so consistantly happy for so long since Ness Lake Bible Camp. (Which my girls might be going to this summer..btw.)

I didn't want to do anything, but I did accomplish one thing. I charted one of my songs. I've been asked to sing "Shown you Jesus" for Mother's day. The only thing is I have to adapt it for playing with a band, and make it just a little shorter as our services are a total of 90 minutes long. I'm not sure if I'll be singing for all three services, but I'll definitely be singing it for the first two! Wow...I just had to stop and think about that for a second.

I look out the window now, and it's still yucky out and to top it all off, I got my first issue of my House and Home subscription. I'm NOT in the mood for looking at pictures of people who have perfect houses, and fake smiles. I'm so jaded, or is it jealous....not sure. I'm not going to psychoanalyze this one. Maybe I'll turn on my radio...hopefully that will get me out of this mood.

Tuesday, April 21, 2009

I've got a pocket full of sunshine...

Just for fun I thought I would record the list of songs of what I listen to. Well, on Saturday, I was home and was listening to my satelite radio. I love it. I don't think I can live without it - just like my cellphone. (kind of) They play the best music, and I'm always hearing groups that I have never heard of before - especially on the Pulse. The Pulse plays the 90's and now - which is just perfect. Sometimes they will play some thing that just pulls me back 11 years. I don't know why, but Hootie and Blowfish, U2 and Alannis Morrisette takes me back to summer of 1996- The summer after I had my first boyfriend, we broke up after three months (Feb - Apr)( he said that he had a one night stand with some girl he worked with and he felt guilty. I think he was jealous that I was better friends with his best friend than I was with him. I was friends with his best friend first - I couldn't stop being his friend. jerk who knows). But he still wanted to be friends....What is that?!

Anyways, I was free, and living in the most gorgeous place! The Niagara peninsula was always sunny, and consistenly above 30 degrees for the whole summer. It was even up to 37-39 for like a whole week! My friends Kim, Dana, and I would run between each others apartments. They kept me busy, which was good, because it turned out that HE moved to town to go to school for the fall, and he moved into our apartment building also! I tried to be "friends", he made supper for me one night - shake and bake and mashed potatoes made from potato flakes. But it was awkward, and after that I stayed away and just stuck with my girls.
Canada Day was the best. You could look off the balcony of our 8th floor apartment that looked over Lake Ontario, and you could see fireworks shooting up here and there. It was so cool. I did lots of swimming at the public pool - they have outdoor pools there because it's so warm, go sunbathing with mom on the beaches of Lake Ontario or just hid in the basement of the library just a block away. I borrowed so many tapes from that library. Fell in love with guitar concertos, classical piano, and Vivaldi. My friends didn't listen to "secular" music, so i wasn't able to talk to them about music - only if it was Christian. If I told anyone that listened to Alannis ..oh my. Brian was the same. He said that one of his friends had a heart to heart with him about his CD collection. haha
I met brian at the very end of summer. I volunteered to be a camp counsellor for the annual kid's camp at the church, and I was counsellor for the 10-12 girls. It was fun. One night the girls and I went to prank the boys cabin, but apparently Jack Morrisette (husband to Mary who ran all of Superchurch) was sitting on his porch in the dark and watched us do everything. He laughed at my "sniper outfit"...apparently I wore white shorts. (i don't remember, but Brian will never let me forget) LIKE YOU COULD SEE THEM IN THE DARK!!

Brian was counsellor of the little boys- 6-8 years. He was so good with them. I took notice. He was good with all the kids, he actually enjoyed them. I found that to be very attractive - seeing as I was going to have 5 kids and they were all going to be boys. HA HA. The week was over, and he asked me out when we got home, but I told him that I didn't want to date till the end of school. That only lasted about...6 months. Which is probably good, if I would have waited longer, we might have been something. I ended up moving back to BC, and told him that we had to break up, because I wasn't going to do the long distance thing. Especially after my OHHH so wonderful experience with my first boyfriend, I wasn't going to do that again.
Brian had a better idea, that he would move. I told him that he didn't have to, and that I wasn't going to ask him or pressure him - it was his decision. His mom said for the longest time, that I made him, and that I took her boy away from her, but nope, it was all him. I left in August and he followed a few months later, and the night he got into Prince George, he proposed. I said yes and the rest was history....kind of.

Monday, April 20, 2009

Back to the grindstone...

Wow...Today was interesting. I woke up 5 minutes before I supposed to leave for work. My alarm didn't work again. So basically I looked like @#$%. But I'm quite suprised at how well I now function at 6 am- when I have to. It's weird having all this time to myself to think again. I forgot what a luxury it is. What did I think about? All KINDS of things!! Oh the things you can think. I did a lot of self reflection and tried to get the root of the pit in my stomach. First of all, WHY was it there? I came to the conclusion that I am really unsure about my plan to go ahead with my jewelry plans. I paid for all my supplies yesterday. I don't think that I ordered enough...but I've already spent quite a bit of money that I don't have. I get so many compliments on my jewelry, but would people go a step further and actually buy them for what they are worth- not what I get the supplies for? What price should I put on them...I don't want to go too high, but I also DON't want to go too low. AAAAHHHHH!!! It's hopeless...I could just go in circles. I really can think too much. It's a good and bad quality. If I'm heading a project, I can pretty much see any obstacles that could come, and be ready for them. But say, in relationships - it's horrible. When I was single, I used to analyze people, and try to figure out why they did the things that they did. Why they DIDN'T do some things. grrrr....there's so much that I don't know. I used to put a lot of junk on myself. I still do sometimes. But for the most part, I keep my relationships in perspective, and only let a select few in my inner circle of friends. I think I'm a pretty good judge of people, and if I do have misgivings about a person, I will most often keep them if my life if I think there's a chance that I might be wrong. The sad part is most of the time, my hunches are true and I get hurt. But, I would rather take the chance and love, I'm that kind of person. Anyways...that's me.

But Brian came and whisked me off for lunch. It was nice to see him if it was only for a little bit. It was nice to be back at work. I really do like the people I work with. This one guy Ryan, he makes me laugh so much. We're both a little older than the rest of the group, so we talk about old people stuff... like the 80's (ha ha), music, technology and how much it's changed since the 80's, how immature the rest of the people are that work there, and pretty much all kinds of random silly stuff.

So today was mostly lived in my head..till I got home, and I put my ipod on and cleaned and cleaned and cleaned. then made supper, had a sleep...woke up and watched Heroes, and here I am downloading photos for people. I've been taking lots - I figured out how to do manual focus on the weekend (i sat down and read the manual on Saturday. what a concept!)

ok...that's all. no deep thoughts or quotes or scriptures. Maybe tomorrow. stay tuned. ;)

Friday, April 17, 2009

adventures during communion...

Do you like my new facelift? If I was on the ball, I could have had a cute one for St. Patrick's Day, one for easter...maybe I still might. Who says you can't go a little wild?! This is my blog damn it, and I can put up any background I like! ....sigh...anyways.

I thought I would quickly share something I've been thinking about this morning, that I forgot to mention about my experience at church last sunday. I actually heard God again. I thought for SURE He was gone. It was right during communion. They invited people to come up for prayer, and also to come up and get communion. Well, silly me, I didn't notice there was some sort of order going on. I walked straight up the aisle..and then noticed there was an usher there telling people that their row it was their turn to go get communion. I was thinking, "why won't he move?!" Then after a few seconds, I figured it out. I had to wait my turn. opps. When I came back, Chris, melissa's husband said, "You know they'll have enough for everybody." Well, our turn came, and when I sat down again waiting for the when I could eat it (which was right sister told me, but I didn't know that). The Holy Spirit spoke to me. I told him, "I thought you were gone!" " just didn't realize I was here all along. When you sin, it builds a callous around your heart - desensitizes you, and the more you do it, the thicker the callous". And I got a picture in my head of Reg -the cook from the cafeteria at WIBI. He used to always take hot pans out of the oven without oven mitts and it was CRAZY! Then all of a sudden we started worship, and I couldn't enter in as I wanted. I know this sounds weird, but I could almost feel it - feel the many layers that were built up. I couldn't raise my hands like I usually do, I couldn't sing without was horrible. But He didn't leave me...just like His word says. And that makes me happy.

Psalm 139
The Message version
God, investigate my life;
get all the facts firsthand.
I'm an open book to you; even from a distance,
you know what I'm thinking.

You know when I leave and when I get back;
I'm never out of your sight.
You know everything I'm going to say before I start the first sentence.
I look behind me and you're there,
then up ahead and you're there, too—
your reassuring presence, coming and going.

This is too much, too wonderful—
I can't take it all in!

Is there anyplace I can go to avoid your Spirit?
to be out of your sight?
If I climb to the sky, you're there!
If I go underground, you're there!
If I flew on morning's wings to the far western horizon,
You'd find me in a minute—
you're already there waiting!

Then I said to myself, "Oh, he even sees me in the dark!
At night I'm immersed in the light!"
It's a fact: darkness isn't dark to you;
night and day,
darkness and light,
they're all the same to you.

Oh yes, you shaped me first inside, then out;
you formed me in my mother's womb.
I thank you, High God—you're breathtaking!
Body and soul, I am marvelously made!
I worship in adoration—what a creation!

You know me inside and out,
you know every bone in my body;
You know exactly how I was made, bit by bit,
how I was sculpted from nothing into something.
Like an open book,
you watched me grow from conception to birth;
all the stages of my life were spread out before you,
The days of my life all prepared
before I'd even lived one day.
Your thoughts—how rare, how beautiful!
God, I'll never comprehend them!
I couldn't even begin to count them—
any more than I could count the sand of the sea.

Oh, let me rise in the morning and live always with you!
And please, God, do away with wickedness for good!
And you murderers—out of here!—
all the men and women who belittle you, God,
infatuated with cheap god-imitations.
See how I hate those who hate you, God,
see how I loathe all this godless arrogance;
I hate it with pure, unadulterated hatred.
Your enemies are my enemies!

Investigate my life, O God,
find out everything about me;
Cross-examine and test me,
get a clear picture of what I'm about;

See for yourself whether I've done anything wrong—
then guide me on the road to eternal life.

Thursday, April 16, 2009

Watermelon stone??!!

I'm's been nice, but I still haven't unpacked yet. My suitcase is in the frontroom, and the girls suitcase is in the hallway. Pure chaos. This is why I don't travel too's LOTS of work. It doesn't help that Brian has had the last two days off. I never get anything done. It's funny, I used to pray that he'd have a job where we got to spend more time together. He used to work practically 7 days a week. On his day off, people would be phoning him. Not fun!

I have to keep reminding myself...I wanted this. This is what I prayed for. ha ha. I get spoiled. He took me out for lunch yesterday, to this chinese place. We could have gotten lunch for one and split was that big! And he took all of us out for lunch today, AND bought me the new Photoshop!!! I'm so excited! Costco sent us a coupon book, and in it was a $30 off coupon! I was beaming when I showed the guy who checked our receipt at the door. He was very excited for me. And I'm sure that I made people who were checking out jealous too. I think they wished that they knew how to use computers enough to get Photoshop also. I'm sure I skipped all the way to the jeep. true story. I've wanted Photoshop for at least 5 years. I used to have a free trial a few years ago, and LOVED it! Teresa bought me a subscription to Making Memories magazine, and they have a column on digital scrapbooking...I can put it to good use. :)

Also..yesterday I got a phone call telling me about a business opportunity, and I think I'm going to take it - in fact I have, but haven't told them. I'm going to make up a whole bunch of my jewelry and sell it at this Woman's Day thing that we have the church. So I have about a month to whip together about 25 bracelets and 20 necklaces and I think I'll make some earrings and maybe some bookmarks too. It's so much fun! I was shopping for supplies all last night and this morning. Brian thinks I'm going to have a hard time parting with my pieces and I'm sure he's right. I bought some amber, fluorite, citrine, cherry quartz (watermelon stone). That's it for now...there's a couple more stones I want to buy though. Last night, I put in "amber beads" in my search, and up came these beautiful amber beads. I clicked on them to get a closer look, they had ANTS in them!!! Yes...ants!! I was so grossed out! who would wear that?! would you? I felt sorry for the ants. poor ants. I hate ants, and I'm sure there's an abundance of them...but I wouldn't wear them! yuck. THough...I liked the ones with bees in the middle though..couldn't tell you why...maybe because they look less like a spider than an ant does.

Anyways....Yay!! At this moment, my life doesn't seem so desert like. I think it's all the shopping I've done, and hopefully in the end I'll make more money!!

Sunday, April 12, 2009's no place like home.

Happy Easter !!!

I'm writing from beautiful British Columbia. It hasn't changed too much since the last time I was here - that was...well...Christmas. Before it seemed like everytime I came to visit, something changed around here - mostly the amount of trees. When I was a kid, you had to imagine where you wanted to go, now pretty much you can see it with your eyes. The "forest" by the graveyard is gone, my "bmx track" is now a casino, but the thing that hasn't changed is the feeling of coming home.

I went to church this morning, to the church I practically spent everyday of my childhood, from grades 4 - 12 to be exact. Westside Family Fellowship, well felt just like family, like I was at a family reunion! Seeing people that I haven't seen for more than 15 years, and to see their! There was one girl, I didn't recognize her, but when I saw her daughter- I KNEW who she was! I laughed, I cried..I hugged, and was hugged in return.

It's weird, I actually went to a different church on Sundays growing up, and went to school at Westside. I don't have the connections like I have at Westside. People are so real at Westside, they don't try to hide their struggles. The times that I have come to visit, Pastor Marlo usually asks people to come up to the front and share what God has been teaching them, situations He's been guiding them through, battles and struggles. I'm impressed with how comfortable people are with standing in front of a crowd and sharing what's on their hearts. How eloquently they can pour out the situations they are in, the struggles and put it all out for everyone to see. What's even more impressive is the response from the congregation. You can feel that there is no tension, or judgement- only love. My favorite story in the Bible is where the Pharisees bring this woman who was caught in the very act of adultry. They would normally stone a woman, if there was even a rumor of this, but they CAUGHT her in the middle of it! Jesus could have said alot of things, but instead he focused on her accusers and said, "he who has no sin, let him cast the first stone". They all slowly go away, and she left alone with Jesus. And He simply says, where are your accusors? has no one condemned you?" And she says no one. He then in reply says, then neither do I. Go and sin no more.

I could talk SO much on church politics....but I will save that for another day. But I will say this. This is the kind of attitude that we need to have in church, and in our lives. We're so quick to point out other people's faults, but quickly forget that one slip and we could be in the same place. sin is sin, and to God it's all the same. To think that can treat someone without dignity and respect, based on what we see or perceive is wrong. We don't know people's hearts, only God does. And we should leave the judging up to Him.

I dream about alot of things, and one of them is to be able to move back home. I miss Prince George. I really do. A few summers ago, I got to spend a WHOLE month here. Brian hated it, because I ditched him...but I loved it! And it was so comfortable. I know the courses I would take at the college and university here. The places I would take the kids to explore- teapot mountian is tops on the list, and there are always places that still need to be discovered.

But on the other hand, I know that it will never happen. The money is not there, and I'm married to a guy who grew up in the "big city". Prince George was too small for him, and that's a big reason why we moved- oh, and did I mention the money. Still waiting for it. They never tell you that one of hardest things about marriage is sometimes you have to let go of some of your hopes and dreams, and replace them with different ones. Though, another dream that I had when I was a teenager was to live in Edmonton, and be able to shop at WEM whenever I wanted. And yes, that dream has come true, now if only I had the money to go support it!

Sunday, April 05, 2009

I quit!

i quit....You have no idea how many times I want to do just that. In fact I was just thinking it a couple minutes ago working on a new painting. The sketch is not coming out the way I would like, and it would be easy to throw it out. I sooo wish I could just quit at being a parent sometimes. Being a wife has not always been what I had envisioned it would be- WHAT?!! You can't read my mind??!!
But...what if quitting is good for you - like not drinking pop anymore, or eating processed foods, thinking negative about people in general, not filtering what you say, or a toxic relationship with a person who has nothing to offer, or maybe you're juggling too many things and the stress is starting to take a toll on your body. That's when it's healthy to close the door, and start a new chapter.

Some things are easy to quit, especially if you don't like it in the first place, say your job, other times responsibility and sensibility set in and make that move a lot more harder. but what if your addicted? That makes the act of quitting so much more harder. You know that the first high your hooked and you know it's going to be a hard fall if you ever stop what your doing. smoking, drugs, compliments, positive public opinion, the way that person makes you feel when they look at you that makes you keep running back for more. What if it all ends? The void is there and you have to somehow replace it. That's when you can't quit at quitting - life or death lies on the other side, death to your body, death to relationships, death to your soul.

We all have areas in our lives that we need to work on - but above all we can't quit. Quiting is not an option. Just like my painting, if I quit, I'll never get to see it's potential. In parenting...with as many times we have to repeat ourselves, we can't quit disciplining and doing what's right. In our marriages, we can't quit showing unconditional love. Fight until there is nothing more to fight for. In our attempt to find a soul mate and find true love-whatever that is, don't give up hope but don't lose yourself in the process. For our families, and friends, no matter how many times they may dissappoint us always be ready to be shoulder to cry on and an ear to listen. Most importantly, on ourselves - never give up on your relationship with God. Love yourself enough to never quit and don't give up.
"Therefore, my beloved brethren, be steadfast, immovable, always abounding in the work of the Lord, knowing that your labor is not in vain in the Lord."
I Corinthians 15:58 NKJV
" With all this going for us, my dear, dear friends, stand your ground. And don't hold back. Throw yourselves into the work of the Master, confident that nothing you do for him is a waste of time or effort. " 1 Corinthians 15:58
the message

Wednesday, April 01, 2009

Spring Break...and I'm slowly going crazy!!

I can't believe that it's early wednesday 3 of spring break. On monday, I realized that it was only day 1 of spring break! ahhhh!!! Sunday I came home from church and it was so nice and sunny outside. I dragged the girls off their behinds and took them to the park to go sledding. that only lasted an hour. they were all laying on the ground was so funny. I wish I had my camera, Though..It was a big hill.

Yesterday...oh my. Haley was whining..the other two would have been happy playing Wii all day. So we went to West Edmonton Mall, to the "playplace" and I brought my camera. There is so much cool things to take pictures of there. I also got to see a couple friends there. My friend Nikki was working at a "gotta have milk" booth, and the girls played guitar hero. And I saw my friend she was working on wedding plans. Today we went to Chuckie Cheese...I wish I would have brought a book. oh well. the girls had fun...3 hours worth! eek....crazy!! not for another 6 months!

tomorrow? ( i mean today) I'm going to run away for a couple hours and hide in the church office and help with some odd jobs. And probably go out for wings with "wic n woz" as ally calls them. The only couple friends that we have...ha ha. We almost have a few more..but brian works too much. oh well.

Monday, March 30, 2009

Desert times

This is going to be a thoughtful more serious post, because this has been my mood the last few days. I've come to the realization that I have DEFINITELY come to a desert place. When I mean desert place, i mean a desert place of the soul. I heard various teaching on this- a really good one by Kevin Gerald, an awesome pastor in Spokane, Washington. Basically different metaphors to describe spiritual conditions of our heart and soul.
I'm amazed how fast you can go from being in a place of blessing and harvest - a place of being "fat" spiritually, to a place of fire and refinement. I knew it was coming. I always know it's going to eventually come. I've been aware of my various life cycles, that I'm not oblivious to them anymore. This is basically how it goes, I get teaching from God on a certain subject, I internalize it, and then I'm tested by outside elements to see how I fair. If I've learned the lesson that I"m supposed to learn, all is good. I just move onto the next lesson. If not it's a big circle, and I have to learn it all again.
I'm sad because the lessons that I had learned while in the refinement and harvest period, thought I had so strong within me were not as strong as I thought they were. I truly thought I was strong enough...but now I'm remembering once again it's really my ability to rest and trust in God. It's very humbling to be confronted with your own sin, and short comings. I almost made some really devastating decisions, because I didn't realize where I was at spiritually. One HUGE tip that Kevin Gerald says is not to make any life changing decisions while in a desert place. Last year I was in a desert place, and almost quit the music team. I'm so glad that I didn't. Because about a couple weeks after that I started writing songs, and that totally lifted me out of that desert place.

I know and felt that I haven't been on top of my game. The gifts of the spirit having been flowing like they have in the past. I've been giving wrong spiritual advice to people who confide in me at church. So I stopped doing that, because really any wisdom that I have is from God and Holy Spirit. When He's gone, and I can feel that the Holy Spirit is distant for now, that my natural mind can give some good advice, but not the kind that would touch someone's life and bring lifelong change. I don't want someone to try out my suggestions, because they see me as a leader and then find that was not to what God would have them to do.
I was seriously thinking of making some life altering decisions in my "drunken" state, and came so close to following through. And my eyes were opened, and it always seems that they are opened at church. My pastor always seems to have to the right message for wherever I am at. Things that I've been thinking about, always seems that my big decisions were made at church.
It's going to be a long road back to where I was, but it's worth it. My life is so shallow and meaningless without God. As you can tell by my posts, it's been all about physical beauty and my insecurities. Basically it's been all about pride, me as the center of my universe. In truth the world does NOT revolve around me - as much I would like it to.

"One day spent in your house, this beautiful place of worship, beats thousands spent on Greek island beaches. I'd rather scrub floors in the house of my God than be honored as a guest in the palace of sin. All sunshine and sovereign is God, generous in gifts and glory. He doesn't scrimp with his traveling companions. It's smooth sailing all the way with God-of-the-Angel-Armies." Ps. 84:10